Done

I’m done.

For the past 5-ish years, I’ve made something for my niece (and, after he was born, my nephew) every year for xmas. I’ve put months into these things. I plan, and I spend more money than I have, and I work so hard, to the point where, every year, I wind up with numb fingers from knitting so much to get these gifts done.

Only once have I seen anything I’ve made for these children worn anywhere. Once.

Today, I peeked at my sister in law’s Facebook page to see if I could find a picture of the hat I made my nephew last year. He’s really into dinosaurs, and I knit him a dinosaur hat and mittens last xmas, and I thought, maybe, they might have made an appearance this year.

Instead, I found a picture of my niece in a hat very similar to the one I made her last year. But it was crocheted, not knit, and the colors were wrong. Obviously NOT the one I made her. There are no pictures of her in the one I spent a week on and tore my fingers up by knitting with the metallic yarn. None.

I love my niece and nephew. Knitting is how I express that. And this feels like a major rejection. My love isn’t wanted. Not good enough. It’s something to be shoved in the back of a closet and forgotten about.

And I can’t and won’t subject myself to that anymore.

I crocheted stuffed animals for them this year. My niece’s is done and waiting to be boxed and wrapped. My nephew’s has a few small things to be finished, then needs to be stuffed and sewn together. After this, I’m done. There will be no more knitting or crocheting for these two. I’m not going to pour my heart into something only to have it tossed aside. Again.

And, since I’m perpetually broke, this likely means no more gifts for them. Which sucks.

But I’m done.

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