So, after the major push to get everything ready for Christmas in 2012, I spent Christmas without my daughter. It was tough for me, and I wound up sinking into a major depression that lasted for months. On top of that, my main computer died, and I didn’t have the money to fix it, and I was under a lot of stress from multiple directions… I wound up totally caving in on myself, crawling into a hole, and hiding.
It’s been a long road since then. There have been ups and downs, but mostly downs. I’ve realized, only lately, that I need to majorly rethink the way I approach relationships – romantic, friends, and family – and life in general. I have a lot of changes to make, the biggest one being taking care of myself – in all senses.
There are many parts to this… One is putting myself first, and thinking about what I need and want to be happy, instead of pushing that to the back burner. This means allowing little indulgences, and rewards when I push myself to do things – and actually following through with those rewards. Doing things for me, and not just for everyone else – something that I rarely do, and have never really prioritized. Another part of this is not letting things dangle indefinitely – either wrapping them up, or letting them go. And another is, when I do something for others, not expecting anything in return. Not a thank you, not equal effort… If I don’t enjoy the giving of the gift in and of itself, without any strings attached, no matter how small, then it’s not a gift I should be giving – whether it’s time, energy, or a physical gift.
All of these things apply to knitting, too. So, for 2015, I have three goals.
1) When you leave a large number of WIPs together, and they get jostled around, yarn gets tangled, and dusty, and picks up cat hair, and things just get messy and complicated – just like when you leave loose ends in life. As I work through my figurative loose ends, one of my goals is to go through my drawer of WIPs and sort them out. Figure out what’s worth saving, and what needs to be frogged. Holding onto all of these is holding up my needles that I could be using for other things. So, anything that’s worth saving, I want to finish – or, at least, make decent progress on. Anything that’s not, I want to frog and, hopefully, find new life for the yarn.
2) Giving gifts is great, but so is selfish knitting. The fact is, there are very few people in my life that appreciate how much goes into every little piece as much as I do. There are a couple, but really… I put so much work into these things, and never really do anything for myself. It’s not just knitting – I’ve long lamented that every cent I earn goes toward bills, that I never take time for myself, that I’m always being dragged in this or that direction, that I never get anything that I want… And, honestly, that’s all on my shoulders. Nobody is going to take care of me the way I want to be taken care of – except myself. I need to do more for me – be more generous with the time, money, and energy I put into making myself happy. So, one of my goals this next year, is to do just that. To do more things for me – that means knitting those things that I want so badly, but never can justify simply because it’s for ME. I deserve these things just as much as anyone else. So I’m going to have them.
3) Along that line… Giving gifts is still something I love to do. But my final goal is to change how I go about it. I’m not going to pour months of my time into things for people who don’t appreciate it, because I always wind up hurt. Instead, I’ll put myself out there for people who I know DO appreciate it, and others… Well, there are things other than hand knits. And I’m going to stop expecting anything back. No more 3-month shawls, only to get a towel and an insulting book in return. If I put 3 months into something for someone, then that’s my choice, and I can’t expect them to reciprocate – especially if they don’t know and -can’t- return the effort, even if they did know. All I can do is give, and hope that it’s accepted, and let go of everything else… And this is the hardest thing for me – letting go. But I can’t control what anyone else does, how anyone reacts, whether that shawl is worn with love or balled up in the corner. But I can know that I put a piece of myself into that, to show that I loved them… And that’s enough.
There will be more later – I hope – but, for now, it’s time to close the computer and head to bed.
Here’s to a better tomorrow.